A Small Business Owner’s Guide to Failing Miserably
So, like I said… it is National Screen-Free Week. A time for frolicking in damp meadows, rekindling the lost art of eye contact, and reclaiming our humanity from the glowing rectangular overlords in our pockets.
I recently read a very sensible BBC Bitesize article about managing a child’s online world. It offered sage advice like “leading by example” and “setting boundaries.” It suggested that if I check my phone constantly at the table at teatime, it compounds teenager’s belief that this is normal.
To that, I say: Challenge accepted.
As a small business owner in Britain, the concept of “Screen-Free Week” is less of a wellness retreat and more of a psychological thriller. While the rest of the country is busy apparently knitting artisanal scarves or rediscovering the joy of a rainy coastal walk, I am locked in a life-or-death struggle with a spotty signal and frantic notification from LinkedIn.
Here is why “leading by example” is currently just not working for me.
1. The “Boundary” That Isn’t
The BBC suggests setting boundaries, such as making mealtimes screen-free. That sounds delightful. I would love to discuss the nuances of my teenager’s GCSE revision or their sudden interest in obscure 90s emo bands. Unfortunately, at 6:02 PM, right between a mouthful of shepherd’s pie and a grunt that I think meant “pass the salt,” my phone buzzed.
It was a customer asking if I could make their website “slightly more duck-egg blue” than the colour I’d presented. If I do not answer within five minutes, they will obviously cancel the whole project and want their deposit back. So, I do what any responsible role model does: I hide the phone under the table and type “Yes, I can change the main colour to duck-egg!” with my thumb while maintaining aggressive, unblinking eye contact with my family.
2. The “Positive Activity” Peril
The article mentions that time away from screens can help young people feel calmer. You know what does not make me feel calmer? Realising that while I was “being present” during a forced family stroll through the local park, the facebook algorithm decided to punish me for three hours of inactivity.
I am standing by a duck pond, supposedly absorbing nature, while my teenager trails ten paces behind with their hood up. All I can think about is that if I do not post a “behind the scenes” article of me looking “relatable” soon then my engagement will drop harder than a dropped scoop of vanilla ice cream.
3. “Ask Your Child to Teach You”
The BBC suggests asking your child to show you their favourite apps to build a connection. I tried this. My teenager looked at me with the weary pity usually reserved for people who still use Hotmail. She showed me a TikTok trend that involves eating a lemon while staring into a ring light.
I tried to explain my favourite app: the HMRC self-assessment portal.
“Look! See how the red numbers mean we might have to holiday in a caravan this year? It is interactive! It is educational! Why are you putting your noise-cancelling headphones back on?”
4. The Role Model Dilemma
“Children generally look to their parents as role models,” the article warns. This is the hardest part. I want my teenager to know the value of the physical world. I want them to look up from their phone and notice that the sun is actually shining.
But I also want her to have a little money to enjoy themselves and a fridge full of the specific brand of bubble tea she likes.
The irony is that to provide the “wholesome, screen-free lifestyle” for my teenager, I have to be tethered to a laptop like a deep-sea diver to an oxygen tank. I am a digital martyr. I stare at the blue light so they can stare at the sunset. I scroll so they can stroll.
By the end of Screen-Free Week, I will have achieved a state of semi-ironic enlightenment. My teenager will have spent seven days in a state of mild annoyance, blissfully unaware of the internet. Meanwhile, I have developed a permanent “C” shape in my spine and my eyes have the glazed look of a supermarket doughnut.
The BBC says, “Don’t worry too much about how much time they’re spending online.” That is great advice for the children. As for me? I will be over here, celebrating that I’m getting through Screen-Free Week by taking a long nap, right after I check my email.
And my DMs. And my analytics. And that person who wanted the “slightly more duck-egg” blue.
Happy Screen-Free Week, everyone. (Sent from my iPhone).
